Sunday, February 16, 2014

my shaken faith...

Last week was one of the hardest in a long time. I've been feeling sick since Christmas and it feels like it will never end. I've been relying on Justin for so much and he's been amazing. After a long day of work, he comes home to do dinner, clean up and takes care of the kids. And he rarely complains. Beck has had a rough time sleeping since our holiday vacation to California and every night is a battle getting him to bed, in bed and sleeping through the night. He ends up in our bed at some point. Justin has been so patient and so helpful. I know I'd show my love for his amazing-ness way better if I wasn't a such zombie all the time. I was never very sick with either of the other pregnancies so this has really thrown me for a loop. And it's made me a cranky monster.

Because I can barely function, my daily tasks and activities have been put on the back burner. I'm just doing the very best I can to keep the kids fed and happy. So I pray a lot. Like seriously a lot. One thing I seem to ask for in every prayer is that Heavenly Father PLEASE keep my family safe and healthy. I can't do much more than I'm doing now so please... don't give me sick kids to care for.

Well last week Justin had to have surgery and the kids got pink eye. I was so mad and so hurt that Heavenly Father would do this to me! I specifically prayed multiple times a day that this be avoided. I thought there was little chance of my survival but I learned something called gratitude. Big time. I learned how loved we are by the people around us, family and ward members. I wasn't caring for my sickies alone. I had help. And I learned to have more faith in what I can do and to have a better attitude while doing hard things. Because it's far better than waking up mad and swearing at the world.

The day Justin got out of the hospital I was a wreck. Tired and angry. I was desperate. I'd been back and forth from the hospital, running kids around, taking sweet Maddy home and filling perscriptions. Our bishop had called to check on Justin the night before and the Relief Society president called shortly after. I told her having meals brought in would be a burden lifted from my shoulders considering I could barely look at food. I felt awkward asking but I didn't know what else to do. We had meals for a week. My friend (Shay Hanson) had dinner waiting on our porch the night we got home. One night a sister assigned to bring us dinner forgot but we didn't find out until later because another sister in our ward was at a church event and thought about us while cleaning up, bringing us leftover food for dinner not even being asked. I'm sure it was inspiration. I don't know this sister well at all and she doesn't hardly know us. But she knew we were in need that week, thought of us and bagged up food. It couldn't have been coincidence.

So Justin came home a couple of weeks ago with bad abdominal pain. He never gets sick and has pretty high pain tolerance so I was worried. The pain was getting worse and worse and I just knew... it had to be his gallbladder. He was describing the exact pain I had three years ago when I had to have mine removed. I wanted to cry. And for selfish reasons. I sent him to the ER late that night when the pain just wasn't going away. Tests were run but no gallstones showed in the ultrasound so they weren't sure what it was and the pain suddenly stopped. The next day (after being in the ER all night) they sent him to a specialist for more tests and finally decided it had to be an infection in his gallbladder. They scheduled an appointment for him to meet with the surgeon where he would then schedule surgery and then sent him home with some medicine for the pain. Well the next day the pain was back.. and the next day... and they only gave him enough meds to get through a couple of days only able to be refilled by another ER visit. Finally by the end of the week, and on SUPER BOWL SUNDAY, Jusitn was in so much pain I took him in for his fourth ER visit vowing we would not be back until the thing was gone. Luckily because the game was on, Maddy and Doug, Cristal and Jordan were at the house and could stay with the kids. Doug and Jordan gave Justin a quick blessing before we rushed out the door. Justin was ticked he was missing the game. I was ticked about everything. They decided to get him into surgery that night instead of waiting for his appointment and scheduling the surgery for later on that week. I wanted to be there during surgery but they couldn't get him in until 10:30pm so Maddy offered to stay the night with the babes. I ran home sick and exhausted to grab us clean clothes and toothbrushes. I waited for over two hours in the waiting room with no other soul in sight, talking to Brandon and Jamie and my mom on the phone while breezing through gossip magazines. They said the surgery would last an hour. I was getting worried but they eventually finished and the surgeon came in to let me know that everything went well. Justin was really sore the whole next week but felt so much better. I took the kids to Chick Fill-A so they could run wild on the playground before I picked up Justin from the hospital the day we was released. I'm guessing thats where they picked up pink eye. So annoying.

Last week was rough but we survived. I'm grateful for modern medicine and for the love we felt all week. The love we still feel. We have so much to be thankful for. I've been such a whiner and I've had a terrible attitude. After the craziness started to mend, I had Justin give me a blessing. I felt like I was in desperate need of peace and comfort. I needed to feel that Heavenly Father wasn't ignoring my prayers and I wanted to understand why we went through this trial at such a terrible time. I felt so much better after. I've been a little less down and blue this week knowing I can do hard things. I learned it's okay to ask for help. I learned to be patient and I have faith that I'll feel normal again someday soon. I wasn't being ignored. And I'm stronger than I think and feel I am.

Justin is back on diaper duty and working normal hours again. He's feeling so much better. Thank goodness! I was grateful we made it to church today and I could give thank you notes and big hugs to the wonderful ward members who helped us more than they know.

{Justin 5lbs lighter after gallbladder gets the boot. The kids were asking to see him so after taking Maddy home we stopped in to say hi. They loved the hospital bed and sat with Justin raising and lowering it. I then took them to a friends house (the Bowdens) to play so I could pack up and get Justin checked out.}

{Beck told Pais "No jumping on daddy. Understand?" Then they found licorice in my bag and Justin turned on Curious George. They thought the hospital was awesome. We saw an older man wearing a cowboy-ish hat walking in on our way out to the car. Beck yelled "Its a real cowboy!". The cowboy laughed.  

 {My awesome bed for the night. Terribly uncomfortable but a great view!}

{Survival coke stop. Justin got his medicine. I needed mine.}

Oh Paisley girl...

Paisley is a pretty happy kid. As long as she has a toy to play with and access to a snack she's pretty darn content. Well once my pregnancy decided not to like me, I became a different person and I'm anxious for it to pass. I think of everyone in our family, Paisley is feeling the neglect most. She doesn't fuss or cry when I hide under blankets sick as a dog, but she is into all kinds of trouble when she wants attention. She plays great with Beck and ins't bored or lonely but I think she notices my lack of energy and tries to find my attention in any way possible. I can't wait to feel human again and smother her with play time. 

She's really into princesses these days. Especially since seeing the movie Frozen. She pulls me off the couch often throughout the day to change her outfit from one dress to another so she can 
"princess spin" around the living room and watch her outfit twirl. 

{Here she is in her favorite dress distracted by a princess on a show that teaches kids to recognize letters. As soon as the princess part was over she was back to spinning and singing to herself.}

I thought I could jump on the shower one morning while the kids played and watched a movie. Paisley snuck into my stuff and decided to paint her nails in the living room all by herself. Beck brought me the bottle as I was getting out telling me "Pais made a mess". Luckily I got most of it out of the couch and rug. There are still a few specks that show but whatever. No one died and our stuff isn't that nice thank goodness. 

Paisley likes to throw things in the toilet when she wants attention. And she gets it. There are few things I hate more than toilets so fishing stuff out of the potty when I'm already feeling ready to barf just plain sucks. She knows she isn't supposed to be in the bathroom. Therefor it's her favorite place. I'd keep it locked but Beck has to get in to go potty. So there is little solution for this problem. 

So she spends a lot of time here... with her nose in the corner.

snow days and slow days...

I've been a big ball of nothing these days. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm fat and pregnant. It's cold and icky outside. Luckily these two have each other. I'm thankful for it every single day. It's okay for me to be boring and a little snappy because the one has the other to hide and play with. Not that they let me do a whole lot of resting but they do play great together and it makes me feel less guilty about my lack of energy. I love hearing their little conversations. Beck likes to be the boss and luckily Paisley follows along. I often hear him telling her to do something and then demanding she reply "yes sir" to him. And she does. They love to jump on the air mattress together and chase each other around the house as their latest source of exercise. Often neither one knows who's chasing who but they run and giggle until they collide and fall down or one gets hurt. They are best little buds. Their new favorite activity is watching a movie in a fort built by mom and eating popcorn. We watch a lot of movies these days and eat a lot of popcorn... sigh. We're in full blown survival mode over here. But they don't seem to mind.

{Paisley asked Beck to do her hair like a princess. He's trying to figure it out. Sweet brother.}

 {So tired of being cooped up due to moms messed up body and cold weather Beck said "mom, I just want to go walk in the snow." I felt pretty awful. But I took a picture because he looked so cute.}

sunday blues...

Well with the new year came new things... One o'clock church being one of them. Unfortunately for us 1pm is nap time. Church is pretty rough. But we still go because it's the right thing to do... right?! I find myself looking for reasons to stay home every week and I hate it! Why am I so awful? Probably because I rarely hear a thing at church anymore and the goodness in me is slowly slipping away ha, ha. But in all seriousness, we go and it's fine. The kids are pretty crazy but so is every other toddler in the building and we do the best we can. Just like everyone else. I repeat in my head through most of sacrament meeting the words "It's good we're here. It's good we're here..." and it is. Occasionally I hear something that sticks and gosh darn it, sometimes it's what gets me through the week so we'll just fight through the fussiness (from the kids and from me) and the pretzel crumbs and the "church activities" I bring spread throughout the entire row (and sometimes the row behind us and in front of us). It's all good and everyone seems to understand.

Beck is now a SUN BEAM! I can't believe it. He's growing faster than a weed. He loves his "big kid" primary class but only if Justin or I go with him. I don't know if this is a normal three year old phase but he's struggling with a bad case of separation anxiety. He has a hard time being with out either Justin or I (mostly mommy). I think the fact that he's so tired during primary doesn't help. But he loves to raise his hand and answer questions in class (though his answers usually have nothing to do with the question asked) and loves to play and sit with the other kids. I can't say I don't kind of love watching him in there even though I try to get to class. He's pretty cute. His first day of primary the first counselor popped in to talk to the kids. He asked what Heavenly Father gave us for Christmas. Beck shot his hand in the air and yelled "oh meeee, I know!!!" and when called on Beck's answer was "ninja turtles and candy".

{Showing us his big sun beam muscles}

I thought Paisley would have a hard time flying solo in nursery once Beck moved up but she's fine. The first couple of weeks were rough but I think due more to being tired. Now she asks to go and practically runs there. Its a struggle for her to sit though the first hour of church knowing there are toys to be played with just down the hall. She loves it and is a tired mess once we buckle up for the one minute ride home. She is such a little ball of energy and loves playing with anything girly or messy she can get her hands on.
 {An after church melt down. Three candy corns just wasn't enough}