my shaken faith...

Last week was one of the hardest in a long time. I've been feeling sick since Christmas and it feels like it will never end. I've been relying on Justin for so much and he's been amazing. After a long day of work, he comes home to do dinner, clean up and takes care of the kids. And he rarely complains. Beck has had a rough time sleeping since our holiday vacation to California and every night is a battle getting him to bed, in bed and sleeping through the night. He ends up in our bed at some point. Justin has been so patient and so helpful. I know I'd show my love for his amazing-ness way better if I wasn't a such zombie all the time. I was never very sick with either of the other pregnancies so this has really thrown me for a loop. And it's made me a cranky monster.

Because I can barely function, my daily tasks and activities have been put on the back burner. I'm just doing the very best I can to keep the kids fed and happy. So I pray a lot. Like seriously a lot. One thing I seem to ask for in every prayer is that Heavenly Father PLEASE keep my family safe and healthy. I can't do much more than I'm doing now so please... don't give me sick kids to care for.

Well last week Justin had to have surgery and the kids got pink eye. I was so mad and so hurt that Heavenly Father would do this to me! I specifically prayed multiple times a day that this be avoided. I thought there was little chance of my survival but I learned something called gratitude. Big time. I learned how loved we are by the people around us, family and ward members. I wasn't caring for my sickies alone. I had help. And I learned to have more faith in what I can do and to have a better attitude while doing hard things. Because it's far better than waking up mad and swearing at the world.

The day Justin got out of the hospital I was a wreck. Tired and angry. I was desperate. I'd been back and forth from the hospital, running kids around, taking sweet Maddy home and filling perscriptions. Our bishop had called to check on Justin the night before and the Relief Society president called shortly after. I told her having meals brought in would be a burden lifted from my shoulders considering I could barely look at food. I felt awkward asking but I didn't know what else to do. We had meals for a week. My friend (Shay Hanson) had dinner waiting on our porch the night we got home. One night a sister assigned to bring us dinner forgot but we didn't find out until later because another sister in our ward was at a church event and thought about us while cleaning up, bringing us leftover food for dinner not even being asked. I'm sure it was inspiration. I don't know this sister well at all and she doesn't hardly know us. But she knew we were in need that week, thought of us and bagged up food. It couldn't have been coincidence.

So Justin came home a couple of weeks ago with bad abdominal pain. He never gets sick and has pretty high pain tolerance so I was worried. The pain was getting worse and worse and I just knew... it had to be his gallbladder. He was describing the exact pain I had three years ago when I had to have mine removed. I wanted to cry. And for selfish reasons. I sent him to the ER late that night when the pain just wasn't going away. Tests were run but no gallstones showed in the ultrasound so they weren't sure what it was and the pain suddenly stopped. The next day (after being in the ER all night) they sent him to a specialist for more tests and finally decided it had to be an infection in his gallbladder. They scheduled an appointment for him to meet with the surgeon where he would then schedule surgery and then sent him home with some medicine for the pain. Well the next day the pain was back.. and the next day... and they only gave him enough meds to get through a couple of days only able to be refilled by another ER visit. Finally by the end of the week, and on SUPER BOWL SUNDAY, Jusitn was in so much pain I took him in for his fourth ER visit vowing we would not be back until the thing was gone. Luckily because the game was on, Maddy and Doug, Cristal and Jordan were at the house and could stay with the kids. Doug and Jordan gave Justin a quick blessing before we rushed out the door. Justin was ticked he was missing the game. I was ticked about everything. They decided to get him into surgery that night instead of waiting for his appointment and scheduling the surgery for later on that week. I wanted to be there during surgery but they couldn't get him in until 10:30pm so Maddy offered to stay the night with the babes. I ran home sick and exhausted to grab us clean clothes and toothbrushes. I waited for over two hours in the waiting room with no other soul in sight, talking to Brandon and Jamie and my mom on the phone while breezing through gossip magazines. They said the surgery would last an hour. I was getting worried but they eventually finished and the surgeon came in to let me know that everything went well. Justin was really sore the whole next week but felt so much better. I took the kids to Chick Fill-A so they could run wild on the playground before I picked up Justin from the hospital the day we was released. I'm guessing thats where they picked up pink eye. So annoying.

Last week was rough but we survived. I'm grateful for modern medicine and for the love we felt all week. The love we still feel. We have so much to be thankful for. I've been such a whiner and I've had a terrible attitude. After the craziness started to mend, I had Justin give me a blessing. I felt like I was in desperate need of peace and comfort. I needed to feel that Heavenly Father wasn't ignoring my prayers and I wanted to understand why we went through this trial at such a terrible time. I felt so much better after. I've been a little less down and blue this week knowing I can do hard things. I learned it's okay to ask for help. I learned to be patient and I have faith that I'll feel normal again someday soon. I wasn't being ignored. And I'm stronger than I think and feel I am.

Justin is back on diaper duty and working normal hours again. He's feeling so much better. Thank goodness! I was grateful we made it to church today and I could give thank you notes and big hugs to the wonderful ward members who helped us more than they know.

{Justin 5lbs lighter after gallbladder gets the boot. The kids were asking to see him so after taking Maddy home we stopped in to say hi. They loved the hospital bed and sat with Justin raising and lowering it. I then took them to a friends house (the Bowdens) to play so I could pack up and get Justin checked out.}

{Beck told Pais "No jumping on daddy. Understand?" Then they found licorice in my bag and Justin turned on Curious George. They thought the hospital was awesome. We saw an older man wearing a cowboy-ish hat walking in on our way out to the car. Beck yelled "Its a real cowboy!". The cowboy laughed.  

 

 {My awesome bed for the night. Terribly uncomfortable but a great view!}

{Survival coke stop. Justin got his medicine. I needed mine.}